Time to TRI Again

I started reading through this old blog and especially the last few posts I've made on here that are sad and devoid of much hope.  It's a funny thing to sit here today with a much different attitude, although, according to those last few posts, things have only gotten "worse."  I've gained even more wait, I'm 55 lbs over my previous racing weight, and I haven't really made any progress in getting back to regular training.  All that being said, I feel AMAZINGLY more positive about where I am and where I'm going than I have for months.

There have been a few changes, I've started a nutritional plan that is working.  It's a little pricey, but it is portion controlled and tasty, and I love it.  I've lost 6 pounds, a small drop in a large bucket, but it's enough to curb my bad attitude.

Biggest of all, as I sat around this morning looking at my friends social media posts about finishing Ironman Florida and Austin 70.3, I said out loud to Sarah, "I really want to do another Ironman..."  Her response, Florida registration opens at noon.  So yeah, I'm registered for Ironman Florida 2016.  I'm not scared, I'm ecstatic.  For the first time in a long time I'm HOPEFUL.  That's really the feeling I've missed the most.  I can stand being slow, I can stand being hurt, I can even, to a certain degree, stand being overweight but I cannot abide being hopeless, and I have been for almost a year.

I am also not naive.  This is going to be a TOUGH year.  I have to almost start from scratch.  I only say almost because I at least know what this takes.  My body has forgotten.  It's soft and comfortable and not used to 5:00am swim practice and 5 hours on a bike.  It will remember, but it isn't going to be easy.  I can't wait to do another Ironman.  I can't wait to train again.  I can't wait to be a triathlete again.

Last Debbie Downer Post

I've got to turn around the content of this blog if I'm going to turn around the content of my life and training.  I've got to do something this weekend I've never done before.  I've got to not start a race I'm registered for.  I won't be going to the line at Buffalo Springs 70.3 because I'm not ready.  I haven't been able to run because of a foot injury, and if there's anything I know about this race it's that it's all about the run.  When I walked the marathon at Ironman Texas and finished in 16:21 minutes, a lot of people told me how awesome that was because I stuck it out.  The fact is I think it did me more harm than good, mentally.  At some point I gave up out there during Ironman, but I just kept walking.  The lesson I learned that day is that I can give up and still finish.  That's NOT a positive thing.  I used to compete with myself, challenge myself, set goals, set challenges.  Lately I've been back in a "see if I can finish" mode, and that's not where I want to be.  If I had started the race this weekend, it would have been in the hopes that I could finish, not in hopes that I could beat my last time that I did it. So I'm taking a week of vacation, a couple of road trips.  I'll run if and when I want, as far as I want, and if my foot feels bad, I won't.  In a week or so, I'll decide what the rest of my summer holds and how I'm going to approach training for the marathon and the 50 miler.  I want to train strong, I want to be strong.

2015 Houston Marathon Is A Go...Kind of.

I received word yesterday that I had received a spot through the Houston Marathon Lottery, meaning I'll be toeing the line there for the third time this coming January. In keeping with my new commitment to optimism mixed with gentle realism, it's time to think about my goals for this marathon.  First, a little history.  My first marathon came roughly 9 months after I ran my first step as an adult.  I joined a couch to 5k group and basically went couch to marathon instead.  It was an amazing ride and I finished that marathon in ~5:20.  This was a bucket list style marathon, my only goal was to complete it.  I trained that way, I raced that way, COULD it be done?  Houston Marathon number two was a different animal.  I had been running and competing in triathlons for 3 years.  I had figured out how to train, I was running faster and longer than I had before and I had a bold goal.  I wanted to run a sub 4 hour marathon.  My eating was pretty well controlled although I noticed that I was having more "cheat days" than I was used to and the scale had started to creep up.  I pushed hard, I raced smart, and I ran a 4:01.  This was just shy of a 1:20 minute pr, something that's basically unheard of, but it was bittersweet, one stupid minute.  That was two years ago, which brings us to here.

On the upside, this will technically be my 5th marathon (2 stand alone, 2 Ironmans) so I know what to expect.  The "can" question doesn't plague me the way it used to.  Of course anything can happen on any given day, but I know it CAN be done.  The question plaguing me today may already be clear, am I shooting for that elusive sub 4:00 again? The downside is, well, everything I talked about yesterday.  The downside is that I feel disconnected, I feel fat, and the last time I went to the line feeling like this, I did a 16:21 Ironman (with a 7:30 marathon, all walking), a 2:30 personal worst.  To be clear, and this has been difficult to admit to myself, but I did that Ironman so badly because I was doing it fat, mentally.  I told myself many times, you don't deserve to be out here, you don't look like these people, you didn't work as hard as they did.  That's why I did so poorly, because I convinced myself that's all I was capable of.  I had blisters, I didn't have good race nutrition, but my biggest failing was mental, but I digress.

I'm coming to another unpleasant, although not really surprising, realization about the weight I've put on.  It's making it a lot harder to run. Shocking I know, but the truth is my "running mind" still wants to run the pace I used to.  I can still "feel" that pace and I want to run it, I even think my body feels good doing it...for about 3 miles.  Then it reminds me pretty quick that I'm not 32 and 180 lbs anymore.  I've got aches and pains, tendinitis, etc. and it's because my body can't haul around the extra weight as fast as I want it to.

So can I hit that sub 4?  I think I can IF I get the weight off of me and keep running.  It even feels stupid to type.  It feels like saying, "I can learn to speak Spanish if I study the language and practice with other speakers."  As obvious as this equation might be, it's something I'm going to have to work at.  I know what I need to do with the food side to start losing weight, but it's trying to figure out how to keep myself running without continuing to hurt.  The easy answer is slow down, but it's hard to convince my brain to slow down more than my body already requires.  After all, I want to go fast!

New Beginnings, again and again

When I started this blog 5 years ago, I titled it "Fat Man Running" with a bit of a tongue in cheek sensibility because I was feeling great about the fact that I was on my way out.  I had turned my life around and was losing weight, running, and feeling happy.  Five years later and things are, well, different.  Not completely, I still run, I'm still a happy person, but the joy, the confidence that I had gained that allowed me to be deprecating enough to title my blog something about being a "fat man" has definitely changed.

In some sense the title is more appropriate than I could have known.  When I started running five years ago, simply put I was a fat man.  I was 6'0" and over 300lbs.  Fat man.  Over the year of 2009 I lost over 150lbs and at my lowest hit somewhere right around 180lbs.  Today I'm sitting squarely up around 210-215.  Lots of numbers, who cares.  What I do is go back to each of those points on the timeline and think about how I felt.  At over 300lbs, I was on a collision course with diabetes, heart disease, and who knows what else, what was worse is I knew and really didn't care.  The various gory details of why I was a depressed, fat slob (and I don't toss that term around flippantly) aren't necessary, but I did "change."  I started running, I started eating so I could run farther and faster and more.  I wanted nothing more than to run and run and run.  It got me down to 180lbs, it got me involved in new friends, it got me a new girlfriend (now wife), it got me a second chance at life.  Now here's what no one does know.  I was still fat. Fat in the head.  I would look at the minimal flab that I still had, either from being overweight, or just still being a larger guy, but I looked and saw a "fat guy."  I hid it, I masked it, and most of all I was able to tell myself that it was "so much better than I was."  It was true, and for a while it kept me satisfied.  I was new fat.  Healthier fat, skinnier fat, but still a fat guy in my own eyes.  Fast forward to now when I'm 30ish pounds heavier, I've run marathons, done Ironman Triathlons, raced, trained, coached runners, triathletes, I've totally immersed myself in the things that made me different, and guess what, I'm still a "fat guy."

I've been fighting myself for 5 years not to be a fat guy.  I've brooded, I've cried, I've pouted, I've run, I've won, I've lost, I'm winning, I'm loosing.  What I have to realize is this is a fight I'll never "win." I'm always going to be a fat guy because it isn't a matter of the number on a scale or on the waistband of my jeans for me, it's the fat in my brain.  I hate that I'm a fat guy, but I am, and the sooner I stop fighting him and start using his fat ass, the sooner I can be happier, more often.  I don't know what this means, I don't know if this is some kind of epiphany or if I'm just thinking, but I'm tired of fighting, but I think that's because I'm tired of losing.  So I need a new way to fight.  You know the old same behavior, different expectation scenario, it doesn't work.  So I'll keep working, and I'll still be fat, but maybe I won't have to always be losing.

What a difference a day makes...

I'm waking up a day later and 5 pounds lighter. That's ludicrous, you can't lose real weight that fast. I'm simply coming down from the post marathon inflammation, water retention, and feeding frenzy. It feels good to be solidly back under 200lbs, but what's better is that my wife and I have been able to come to an understanding about the way to conduct our food lives. See, when I lost over 100lbs, I did it alone, single, with no one to think about other than me. I know for a fact that this was a HUGE contributor to my success. I said many times that if I had the lives of many of my friends, wive, kids, etc., that I don't know if I would have been able to do it. Well here I am, married, extremely happy, and in need of dropping some lbs. It was complicated because my wife and I have very different likes, dislikes, wants, and needs when it comes to food. I'm happy to throw some salt, pepper, and garlic on anything and eat it every day until the rapture, but she get's tired of this fast. I base everything off of the protein, a chicken breast, or a pork chop, and whatever I have to go with it. She hates "big hunks of meat" as she calls them and would rather graze on vegetables and small sides. The fact is, both of our individual styles have helped both of us lose and maintain weight, they just don't work for the other. We've tried to coordinate, compromise, be flexible, but when the rubber meets the road, this is an issue we both have enough trouble with that we need it our way to feel successful. Turns out it's not that hard, we buy the foods we like at the store and we eat them when we are hungry. Of course we have dinners that we both like and we sit and eat together, but there's no reason I cant have the breakfast I like and she have what she like at the same time. I ate cereal for breakfast, a banana for a snack, a sandwich, pita chips and yogurt for lunch, some hummus for a snack, and a chicken and slaw pita for dinner yesterday and felt totally NORMAL, in control, satisfied and largely not tempted. It's only day 2, but I'm feeling good about it.

A Marathon Is Only The Beginning...

Most people choose to make running a marathon the goal at the end of a journey. Training, nutrition, sacrifice, pain, training, pain, a little more training, and even more pain. At the end of it all you get to call yourself a marathoner. I felt this experience exactly 2 years ago when I completed the Houston marathon for the first time. I had lugged myself off of the couch and in 9 months went from a 300lb couch potato to a marathoner that weighed under 200lbs. I had found my new passion in life and I was never going back. I did anything but stop there. Since January of 201 when I ran that marathon, I lost 20 more lbs, completed over a dozen sprint and olympic distance triathlons, over 20 running events, a half ironman, and in May 2011 I finished a full Ironman triathlon in The Woodlands, Tx. Yesterday I did something else that I can't believe. I repeated my performance at the Houston Marathon, only this time instead of taking 5 hours and 19 minutes to do it, I did it in 4 hours and 1 minute. I had a one hour and 18 minute pr (personal record), something that is all but unheard of in running. It's a huge accomplishment and only 1 little minute away from my ultimate goal of breaking 4 hours. Today, however, I've done something else that I didn't think I would ever do. I stepped on the scale and saw a 2 as the first digit again. It's hard to write. It's hard to admit, but as I contemplated what to do about it, I realized, I'm going to use this huge accomplishment as the beginning, not the end. It feels crazy to say, but the thought of running a 4 hour marathon, or completing a 140.6 mile triathlon doesn't scare me half as much as the idea of having to lose weight again. I think it scares me so much because this time I've gained 20 lbs while training for a marathon. What does that tell me about the state of my diet? It tells me that I have lost complete control.

So just as I said, this marathon is the beginning. The beginning of me regaining control on my diet, my health, and my life. I have an entire triathlon season to plan for and I will not go into this season battling my weight. I'm starting over, starting over with weight, this blog, and my attitude. Here's to new beginnings...again.

The Time Is Now...

This morning I find myself on the eve of race day. Tomorrow morning Ill be competing in my first triathlon. I'm doing the Olympic distance (.9 mile swim, 25 mile bike, 6.2 mile run) and my heart is beating out of my chest. Once again I find myself disappointed that I didn't chronicle more closely my training, because now, looking back, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Over the last 14 months, my life has changed so completely its impossible to put into words. This all began with discovering a true passion for running, a passion that ultimately led to me running a marathon in January of this year. That 9 month process was amazingly challenging, completely rewarding and definitely life altering. The last 3 months of training for this triathlon have been equally, if not even more transformative as those months of marathon training.

Physically. As far as the physical changes triathlon has made, they are staggering. After losing 100 pounds during marathon training, I was totally happy with my weight and where my body was. I figured when I started swimming a lot and biking some that maybe I would gain a little muscle tone, possibly even lose another few pounds. I couldn't have imagine the strides that this cross training made, not only in the way I look, but the way my body has been able to perform. I have little muscles and lines where Ive never had them before, and for a guy like me to say he has muscles showing ANYWHERE is a big deal. That however pales in comparison to the improvements Ive made in my fitness. Lets just get this straight, I'm not fast, I'm most likely never going to be a competitive athlete, but in the past three months, my training pace for running has dropped easily 2:00 a mile. My long runs of 8-10 miles were always run between 10:30-12:00 a mile, and now I train that same distance around 9:00-9:30 a mile. On shorter runs, I even run in the 8's. I ran in a 10k race last month, the only race Ive done since the marathon, and did it in 52 minutes, which is an 8:20 pace for 6.2 miles. Some people will see that as a training pace or a "fast jog," for me, that is absolutely flying. I give it all up to the swimming and biking for my gains in running speed. Whether I keep doing tri's or not, I will always swim and bike as part of my running training from here on out.

Some of the other things Ive been able to accomplish along the way:
-Ive been able to swim a continuous mile in open water, twice now.
-In my last training bike ride of the season, I did 30 miles at an average speed over 20mph, again, all things being relative this is FLYING for me. I even spent about 6 or 7 miles riding at over 25mph with my awesome coach, Johnny, who is one of the fastest, most impressive athletes I know, which was a big training highlight for me. I almost hung with him until the end of the road, but he dropped me about a mile from the end, maybe next season!
-I did lose about another 10-12 pounds and really got a lot leaner.
-A 10k personal best of 52:20, around 8:24 per mile.
-Maybe most importantly, training for this tri has helped me find my inner athlete. To even type that almost seems ridiculous, there is nothing about a guy like me that says athlete. Well at least it didn't, but today, I really do feel like an athlete.

Now, all of that is great and I'm so lucky to have accomplished and improved those things. As great as they are, they absolutely pale in comparison to how lucky I feel to have met the people I have through my training group. It almost makes tears well up to think of my friends today and know that only 3 months ago, most of us were looking around having no idea what to do or who we were. I could write pages on every single one of them and how amazing they all are. When you find yourself over the age of 30 and single, the social landscape changes, and its rare to come into contact with a significant number of people that are near your age, single and share a common interest, and aren't necessarily doing this just to get a date. We have all grown so close, and I never would have made it to the start line without these people. I talk to them and think about them every single day, and like I tell them, they are seriously my second family. They aren't my "triathlon friends," they are my true friends that just happen to do triathlons with me.

In 24 hours Ill be dawning a wetsuit and wading out into Galveston bay about to start my swim. Ive never been this nervous, excited, focused, relaxed, crazy, scared and elated. I know tomorrow is the first of many amazing opportunities to push myself in this wonderful world of triathlon. I cant wait!