Im a bit hesitant to write about whats on my mind this morning. Ive almost written about it several times, but it always sounds really whiny in my mind before I sit down to write about it, but this morning I just cant get it out of my mind. In addition to feeling like Im whining, I also feel like what I have to write about flies in the face of what the "new Will" is all about. The new me is happy, energetic and confident, right? Well, while I am happy to admit that for the most part those things are fairly true, but then there are Sundays.
I look forward to weekends the way I would imagine 90% of people do, which is to say I live for the weekends. My weekends are slightly different now, in that there are very few long nights and sleeping late, and Im perfectly happy with that. I usually spend my Friday evenings relaxing, and generally eating a good, substantial dinner because what Im really looking forward to comes on Saturday mornings. Those are the days I go on my long training runs. I run 5 days a week, so just the running isnt as monumental as the fact that I get to run for a long distance without any real worry about getting ready for school or getting somewhere in a hurry. Plus I get to get around other people, talk about running or whatever and generally make an event out of it. The rest of the day is spent recovering and taking care of around the house stuff that I have become a professional at neglecting during the week. Then theres Sunday.
I hate Sundays, and Ive come to realize theres a lot of reasons why, but again, all of them seem to be so self serving and petty. I guess I should start by why I used to love Sunday mornings, and the truth is I guess I hate them now for the same exact reasons I used to love them. I used to always be able to count on Sunday as the day of rest, where you didnt have to worry about anything other than relaxing and just being. Now, when you are with someone (see I told you this was going to turn into a whine festival) you cant beat this type of open schedule day. You can spend the day talking, or not, spending time, or not, basically doing whatever you want, but Sunday was always a day that I felt was "together" day. I have two friends that got married over the summer who's "song" is Sunday Morning by Maroon 5. The song talks about exactly what Im saying, spending time doing nothing but being together on a Sunday, and thats all you will ever need.
I guess I hate these Sundays, because it reminds me that as well as I am doing, and all the changes I have made, I still have an empty spot. There are a million things I could do to occupy my time, and I do some of them, but how often is it that its the one thing you know you cant have that you want the most. I need to use these days as a reminder that I have to keep moving. I have to keep improving myself, I have to keep looking, I have to not be satisfied. I really do miss loving Sundays, maybe I will again.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
An interesting week
I'm almost reluctant to write this now as I guess until I go on another run, I'm not totally sure if I'm out of the woods. I sustained what I guess you could call my first "real" running injury this week. Ultimately it looks to be nothing more than a slightly strained hamstring, but it was enough to stop a run early and have me miss my weekly long run. I'm also lightening my running load for tomorrow, choosing the not run option on my optional day and then hopefully back to normal on Wednesday.
The whole point of this is that since Thursday morning I have just been in a funk. Big picture, I missed literally one day of running, and it sent me into some sort of emotional tail spin. Most people would think that's crazy, and most of them would be right. I was even looking at myself saying "snap out of it, its just one run, its no biggy," but I couldn't shake being really bummed out about it. Ultimately what I realized is that what is bumming me out is that even though I have had such amazing success with my running and my weight loss (down 71 pounds as of this morning, woo hoo!) I'm still frightened of falling right back into who I used to be. Theres no question, I LOVE running and it would take some sort of major catastrophic event to ever derail that for me, but I feel like even though for the last 7 months I have been eating healthy and doing it all "right," that just that one little day off due to a sore hamstring could bring it all crumbling down around me. I'm still trying to figure out what I should take from this. Are the "changes" Ive made not really changes, but just me convincing myself to act a certain way? Or maybe I'm still just so new at this that I still get spooked to easy... OR maybe I'm just reading way too much into this (wouldn't that be odd) and I simply just got bummed because I was hurt and couldn't do something I really like to do.
I'm going to do what I think has to be the best thing for myself, I'm not going to think about this. I can take any little thing and blow it into something its not, so maybe that's what I need to work on more than my hamstring. Ive come so far, and still have a ways to go, but when I set out on this I was determined to be able to say and mean that life is good. Life wasn't that good this week, but today its looking better, I guess anytime you learn something it helps life look a little better.
The whole point of this is that since Thursday morning I have just been in a funk. Big picture, I missed literally one day of running, and it sent me into some sort of emotional tail spin. Most people would think that's crazy, and most of them would be right. I was even looking at myself saying "snap out of it, its just one run, its no biggy," but I couldn't shake being really bummed out about it. Ultimately what I realized is that what is bumming me out is that even though I have had such amazing success with my running and my weight loss (down 71 pounds as of this morning, woo hoo!) I'm still frightened of falling right back into who I used to be. Theres no question, I LOVE running and it would take some sort of major catastrophic event to ever derail that for me, but I feel like even though for the last 7 months I have been eating healthy and doing it all "right," that just that one little day off due to a sore hamstring could bring it all crumbling down around me. I'm still trying to figure out what I should take from this. Are the "changes" Ive made not really changes, but just me convincing myself to act a certain way? Or maybe I'm still just so new at this that I still get spooked to easy... OR maybe I'm just reading way too much into this (wouldn't that be odd) and I simply just got bummed because I was hurt and couldn't do something I really like to do.
I'm going to do what I think has to be the best thing for myself, I'm not going to think about this. I can take any little thing and blow it into something its not, so maybe that's what I need to work on more than my hamstring. Ive come so far, and still have a ways to go, but when I set out on this I was determined to be able to say and mean that life is good. Life wasn't that good this week, but today its looking better, I guess anytime you learn something it helps life look a little better.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Still Interesting
I found this post which I wrote on a previous, and never really seen, blog and still found it interesting. What is most interesting is that even though I only wrote it about 3 months ago, I now view food TOTALLY differently than I did then, but this story still equally disturbs me.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
You can't make this stuff up...
Its very interesting to look at the way a person like me views food versus the way "normal" people look at food. Recently Ive come to realize that the way I eat, and I'm not talking about table manners, is very different than the way most people do. I know a lot of people who will look at a big fatty hamburger, or a monster burrito and be turned off by its unhealthy aspects. I usually relish in them. However that view has taken a big hit today (which I think is a good thing) when I came across a little special on the travel channel about best places in America to pig out. (Constantly watching television about food, no I'm not sick, really I'm not.)
Its called the Heart Attack Grill, just South of Phoenix. Its nothing new to desire to carve out a business niche in American counter-culture. Look no further than places like Hooters or Dick's Last Resort, all making money off of being a little contrary to the "status quo" and maybe a little politically incorrect. No harm, no foul. But the Heart Attack Grill, is something entirely different and truly disturbing. This place literally looks at people who have no regard for their health and tells them, "come here, Ill help you kill yourself!" And I'm not exaggerating.
The menu has 7 items. The single, double, triple, and quadruple bypass burgers, flat liner fries (fried only in pure lard), jolt cola, and Lucky Strike cigarettes. I'm not making this up. The quadruple bypass, the joints #1 seller, is a 2 pound, 4 patty burger with the buns dipped in lard before grilling, that comes in at 8,000 calories. 8,000 calories!!!! That's the amount of calories that a normal person eats in four days. Wash it down with the highest concentration of sugar and caffeine on the market, and for desert, cigarettes. This goes beyond counterculture and innocent fun.
Now at this point I was already flabbergasted, until the really really sick part came on. At the Heart Attack Grill, if you weigh over 350 pounds, you eat free, for life. The owner of this restaurant is giving free food to keep people obese. In order to fall into a "normal" body mass index range and be 350 pounds, you need to be 8' 4" tall. I hate to tell you, but there isn't anyone in Arizona that tall. This is shameful, disgusting and really really sad. His restaurant is packed every day, and yes, almost everyone in the videos eating in there is overweight.
I wish I was through with the sad news. You would think that the FDA or some advocacy group would be in an uproar over this place that unapologetically, even proudly, wants to kill its patrons. Well you'd be right, but it has nothing to do with the food. The waitresses at this place keep with the heart attack/medical theme by dressing as naughty nurses. Scantily clad nurses take your order which they call a prescription, and even roll you out to your car in a wheelchair when your done. (You cant make this stuff up) So after the 8,000 calories, the Jolt and a pack of smokes, who's pissed off? The Arizona State Board of Nursing. They contend that by using the term "nurse" in this setting, they are sexualizing the profession and discouraging young women from becoming nurses, and therefore contributing to a nursing shortage, and therefore the death of innocent people. Truth be told, they have a very valid point with the whole naughty nurse thing in general, BUT ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! Not one person has stepped forward to say how insane this place is for the food?!?!
Ive rambled on here for way too long, but in closing here's my point. I think I finally see what other people see when they look at a person who overeats like I do. I may not be choking back 8k calories, but the same disgust and pity that a lot of people who see me, a guy who's about 100 pounds too heavy, is the same way I was looking at the people choking down quadruple bypass burgers. Its not a pleasant feeling at all. This more than anything was what left an impression on me today.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
You can't make this stuff up...
Its very interesting to look at the way a person like me views food versus the way "normal" people look at food. Recently Ive come to realize that the way I eat, and I'm not talking about table manners, is very different than the way most people do. I know a lot of people who will look at a big fatty hamburger, or a monster burrito and be turned off by its unhealthy aspects. I usually relish in them. However that view has taken a big hit today (which I think is a good thing) when I came across a little special on the travel channel about best places in America to pig out. (Constantly watching television about food, no I'm not sick, really I'm not.)
Its called the Heart Attack Grill, just South of Phoenix. Its nothing new to desire to carve out a business niche in American counter-culture. Look no further than places like Hooters or Dick's Last Resort, all making money off of being a little contrary to the "status quo" and maybe a little politically incorrect. No harm, no foul. But the Heart Attack Grill, is something entirely different and truly disturbing. This place literally looks at people who have no regard for their health and tells them, "come here, Ill help you kill yourself!" And I'm not exaggerating.
The menu has 7 items. The single, double, triple, and quadruple bypass burgers, flat liner fries (fried only in pure lard), jolt cola, and Lucky Strike cigarettes. I'm not making this up. The quadruple bypass, the joints #1 seller, is a 2 pound, 4 patty burger with the buns dipped in lard before grilling, that comes in at 8,000 calories. 8,000 calories!!!! That's the amount of calories that a normal person eats in four days. Wash it down with the highest concentration of sugar and caffeine on the market, and for desert, cigarettes. This goes beyond counterculture and innocent fun.
Now at this point I was already flabbergasted, until the really really sick part came on. At the Heart Attack Grill, if you weigh over 350 pounds, you eat free, for life. The owner of this restaurant is giving free food to keep people obese. In order to fall into a "normal" body mass index range and be 350 pounds, you need to be 8' 4" tall. I hate to tell you, but there isn't anyone in Arizona that tall. This is shameful, disgusting and really really sad. His restaurant is packed every day, and yes, almost everyone in the videos eating in there is overweight.
I wish I was through with the sad news. You would think that the FDA or some advocacy group would be in an uproar over this place that unapologetically, even proudly, wants to kill its patrons. Well you'd be right, but it has nothing to do with the food. The waitresses at this place keep with the heart attack/medical theme by dressing as naughty nurses. Scantily clad nurses take your order which they call a prescription, and even roll you out to your car in a wheelchair when your done. (You cant make this stuff up) So after the 8,000 calories, the Jolt and a pack of smokes, who's pissed off? The Arizona State Board of Nursing. They contend that by using the term "nurse" in this setting, they are sexualizing the profession and discouraging young women from becoming nurses, and therefore contributing to a nursing shortage, and therefore the death of innocent people. Truth be told, they have a very valid point with the whole naughty nurse thing in general, BUT ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!! Not one person has stepped forward to say how insane this place is for the food?!?!
Ive rambled on here for way too long, but in closing here's my point. I think I finally see what other people see when they look at a person who overeats like I do. I may not be choking back 8k calories, but the same disgust and pity that a lot of people who see me, a guy who's about 100 pounds too heavy, is the same way I was looking at the people choking down quadruple bypass burgers. Its not a pleasant feeling at all. This more than anything was what left an impression on me today.
A difficult morning
This morning is turning out to be difficult, and its not even 7:00 am. Several things are present this week that are really fantastic, but its making my head swim in regards to my marathon training. First of all, Im leaving for a vacation to San Diego and then my first trip to Las Vegas. I am so incredibly excited about all of it. I love San Diego, I get to see one of my best friends and I get to see Vegas for the first time. What is worrisome for me is that very little of this is conducive to my training or my weight loss. So begins my stress. San Diego is absolutely beautiful, and a good running city, so luckily Ill be able to get a run in there on Thursday. I am supposed to run on Wednesday as well but will be traveling that day and it doesnt look like the schedule is going to work out so I thought I would just run today instead of tomorrow. Well thats a great plan for everyone except my body who is giving me all of those little signs that say "give me a day off." Normally I would just say, "Ok body, no problem," but I think the added worry of being on vacation, expecting not to be able to really nail my nutrition like I need to and the possibility of missing my long run completely on Saturday has me a worried enough that I want to ignore my body and go for the run anyway. Im also aware that in the course of this long training process that there will be days that I do have to push. Not ignore, not go too far, but just push my levels of comfort, but again, Im conflicted. Is it too soon to push? Is this not one of the situations to push in? These are all the questions and concerns that worry me, but they also excite me at the possibility of learning something new. So, as for the answer, Im going to give my body the rest today, at this point, I think erring on the side of caution is still the best plan. Im going to cut lose and enjoy myself on vacation, but just make the best choices I can while Im there. I have to realize its not the end of the world to miss a day here and there, but that it CANT be a habit, and I cant do it often. Viva Las Vegas!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Milestones etc
Its been a while since I last posted and quite a lot has happened and is happening. Today officially begins Houston Marathon training for several groups, although my particular group has already been training since May 30th. As far as my personal training goes the biggest change is that I have changed my goal race from Houston Half Marathon to the full Houston Marathon. Its still staggering for me to think of making it to the start line of a full marathon, but with some research and the guidance of a few close friends and coaches, I feel the marathon will be within my grasp. Its not now, and theres a chance I may not make it this year, but I feel like I have the drive and the desire, and at least for now Im lucky enough to be able to devote the proper amount of time needed for training. One of the best things to come from this decision has been some great conversations Ive had with Vic. Conventional wisdom states everything from "you shouldn't train for a marathon until youve been running for a year," to "It takes a year to train for a marathon," and so on, so there is no ONE set rule for it, however I know that technically I am very early in my running life and that marathon training at this stage is a bit "risky." However the good thing is, when thinking about running this marathon, its a running goal, not a 2010 goal. I know that I want to finish a marathon, but more than that, I want to run for the rest of my life, and no marathon, positively or negatively, is going to stand in the way of that for me.
Another milestone Im about to reach is with my weight loss. Im just a breath away from having lost 50 pounds. Its hard to type its so unbelievable to me. Whats even more amazing is that there hasnt been one single day since March 1st (my unnoficial change of life start date) that I have felt like I was on a diet. Through running and a desire to eat in a way that was going to supliment my running, I have had amazing success shedding the pounds. As I tell my friends, there are certain things I deny myself, but only because I know myself (more on that later) enough to know that if I eat these certain things, theres no stopping me. Ive formed great habits that will be with me for life, but I still hold in great fear the power of a basket of chips and salsa, or that plate full of garlic bread more than any boogie man. Im very aware that the more weight I lose, the harder it is going to be to keep up this weight loss, but so far I am keeping a steady pace of losing 10-12 pounds a month. As Vic keeps telling me, "ride it!" Im going to do just that for as long as I can. It will slow down at some point, I just have to make sure that I dont.
My last milestone Im about to face is a little more on the painful side. Many people already know that my sister, brother-in-law and two nephews are moving to Lubbock for my brother-in-law to attend law school. I couldnt be more proud of him or more excited for their family to be moving back to Jill and I's home town and all of the possibilities that it will bring. However, Id be lying if I didnt say my heart gets a little heavier every day that their move gets closer. Watching my two nephews (Jack 2 and a half, and James 1) be born and start to grow up has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Also having my best friend also be my family has really been a blessing as well. All of these things fill me with a sweet sadness, but none of them as much as when I think about not having my sister here with me. I feel like any words I write wont do justice to the bond we have formed over the last few years, and especially over the last two. Our bond was forged out of some great joys and great tragedies, but through them both, I have been the lucky one to have such a caring, honest and passionate friend as Jill. Ive had a sister since I was 3, but in the past couple years I've realized exactly how special that is. I love you Jill more than you could know, and as much as Im going to miss you, I know that our friendship will always be close.
I couldnt be more excited for what the rest of the summer and year have to bring, especially that first cool weather run sometime this fall.
Another milestone Im about to reach is with my weight loss. Im just a breath away from having lost 50 pounds. Its hard to type its so unbelievable to me. Whats even more amazing is that there hasnt been one single day since March 1st (my unnoficial change of life start date) that I have felt like I was on a diet. Through running and a desire to eat in a way that was going to supliment my running, I have had amazing success shedding the pounds. As I tell my friends, there are certain things I deny myself, but only because I know myself (more on that later) enough to know that if I eat these certain things, theres no stopping me. Ive formed great habits that will be with me for life, but I still hold in great fear the power of a basket of chips and salsa, or that plate full of garlic bread more than any boogie man. Im very aware that the more weight I lose, the harder it is going to be to keep up this weight loss, but so far I am keeping a steady pace of losing 10-12 pounds a month. As Vic keeps telling me, "ride it!" Im going to do just that for as long as I can. It will slow down at some point, I just have to make sure that I dont.
My last milestone Im about to face is a little more on the painful side. Many people already know that my sister, brother-in-law and two nephews are moving to Lubbock for my brother-in-law to attend law school. I couldnt be more proud of him or more excited for their family to be moving back to Jill and I's home town and all of the possibilities that it will bring. However, Id be lying if I didnt say my heart gets a little heavier every day that their move gets closer. Watching my two nephews (Jack 2 and a half, and James 1) be born and start to grow up has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Also having my best friend also be my family has really been a blessing as well. All of these things fill me with a sweet sadness, but none of them as much as when I think about not having my sister here with me. I feel like any words I write wont do justice to the bond we have formed over the last few years, and especially over the last two. Our bond was forged out of some great joys and great tragedies, but through them both, I have been the lucky one to have such a caring, honest and passionate friend as Jill. Ive had a sister since I was 3, but in the past couple years I've realized exactly how special that is. I love you Jill more than you could know, and as much as Im going to miss you, I know that our friendship will always be close.
I couldnt be more excited for what the rest of the summer and year have to bring, especially that first cool weather run sometime this fall.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Feeling Good
Today I finished my 3rd 5k race in just over a month, but today's was a little unique for me in that, except for the first mile, I ran the whole thing by myself. Now it may only be 3.1 miles, but without talking to anyone, I had the opportunity to talk and really listen to myself. Luckily I kept the dialogue internal as not to worry the onlookers, some of which were my wonderful friends and family. There wasn't too much to report on this race, it was fairly straight forward, and I felt great. I was able to better my 5k time by almost 2 minutes, a tribute to how much easier running without hills is. The best thing I took from today is that I really do feel like a runner. Every race is a big deal, especially one with a new PR, but where as my first race and even my second were sort of monumental events, I'm getting the impression that they are becoming more routine, and that's a good thing. As I said I have wonderful friends and family that cheer me on and support me as I am still at the beginning of a very long road to a healthier life, but I'm starting to feel as though running and succeeding at running IS becoming my lifestyle, and not the anomaly that it was a few short months ago. I don't know if I'm communicating well how I feel, but I feel good. I'm feeling healthier and stronger than I have in a long time, and although I know up and down days are ahead, I'm optimistic and excited.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Nobody Will Understand This
Starting tomorrow I'm faced with a difficulty that most everyone I know wishes they could have. Tomorrow officially starts my summer vacation. Until the beginning of August I don't have to work, save a 3 week summer school session for a couple hours a day. Its this chunk of vacation that usually sends eyes rolling and sarcastic comments flowing whenever I describe my job as a teacher as difficult. Then I get defensive and start detailing my job blah blah blah. That's not what this is about. What this is about is the question: Why would anyone else I know be basking in the glow of two months paid vacation, and I'm looking at it with worry?
As Ive become more self aware, Ive realized one of my biggest enemies is idle time. Don't get me wrong, I'm taking off time over work time faster than anyone you know, but the prospect of two months off feels more like retirement to me than vacation. I need things in my life to occupy my brain so my brain doesn't start looking for entertainment in the places its always looked for it before, namely food and all around misery. Ive been rather successful as of late, running, self reflection, work, the "stress" of the end of a school year has kept me sufficiently busy in my waking hours, but a large part of that is going away.
I'm completely pumped about my marathon training and continuing to loose weight, but I can only do that for so long each day. Even if I stretch it out to a couple hours a day, its still only a couple hours a day. I guess my worry comes from wondering how I will fill the other hours, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared of falling into old habits.
But lemons into lemonade is sort of my new thing, so I'm going to try to be optimistic about actually having to make myself busy/happy/fulfilled without a built in system. And maybe that's the whole key to this. Ive been a master my whole life of looking to "things" to be my savior, to "fix" me, rather than choosing to do it consciously myself. So even though I approach summer with some apprehension, maybe Ill find that I do like having 2 months off as much as everyone else. Or maybe I'm just crazy.
As Ive become more self aware, Ive realized one of my biggest enemies is idle time. Don't get me wrong, I'm taking off time over work time faster than anyone you know, but the prospect of two months off feels more like retirement to me than vacation. I need things in my life to occupy my brain so my brain doesn't start looking for entertainment in the places its always looked for it before, namely food and all around misery. Ive been rather successful as of late, running, self reflection, work, the "stress" of the end of a school year has kept me sufficiently busy in my waking hours, but a large part of that is going away.
I'm completely pumped about my marathon training and continuing to loose weight, but I can only do that for so long each day. Even if I stretch it out to a couple hours a day, its still only a couple hours a day. I guess my worry comes from wondering how I will fill the other hours, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared of falling into old habits.
But lemons into lemonade is sort of my new thing, so I'm going to try to be optimistic about actually having to make myself busy/happy/fulfilled without a built in system. And maybe that's the whole key to this. Ive been a master my whole life of looking to "things" to be my savior, to "fix" me, rather than choosing to do it consciously myself. So even though I approach summer with some apprehension, maybe Ill find that I do like having 2 months off as much as everyone else. Or maybe I'm just crazy.
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