Friday, April 23, 2010

The Time Is Now...

This morning I find myself on the eve of race day. Tomorrow morning Ill be competing in my first triathlon. I'm doing the Olympic distance (.9 mile swim, 25 mile bike, 6.2 mile run) and my heart is beating out of my chest. Once again I find myself disappointed that I didn't chronicle more closely my training, because now, looking back, it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Over the last 14 months, my life has changed so completely its impossible to put into words. This all began with discovering a true passion for running, a passion that ultimately led to me running a marathon in January of this year. That 9 month process was amazingly challenging, completely rewarding and definitely life altering. The last 3 months of training for this triathlon have been equally, if not even more transformative as those months of marathon training.

Physically. As far as the physical changes triathlon has made, they are staggering. After losing 100 pounds during marathon training, I was totally happy with my weight and where my body was. I figured when I started swimming a lot and biking some that maybe I would gain a little muscle tone, possibly even lose another few pounds. I couldn't have imagine the strides that this cross training made, not only in the way I look, but the way my body has been able to perform. I have little muscles and lines where Ive never had them before, and for a guy like me to say he has muscles showing ANYWHERE is a big deal. That however pales in comparison to the improvements Ive made in my fitness. Lets just get this straight, I'm not fast, I'm most likely never going to be a competitive athlete, but in the past three months, my training pace for running has dropped easily 2:00 a mile. My long runs of 8-10 miles were always run between 10:30-12:00 a mile, and now I train that same distance around 9:00-9:30 a mile. On shorter runs, I even run in the 8's. I ran in a 10k race last month, the only race Ive done since the marathon, and did it in 52 minutes, which is an 8:20 pace for 6.2 miles. Some people will see that as a training pace or a "fast jog," for me, that is absolutely flying. I give it all up to the swimming and biking for my gains in running speed. Whether I keep doing tri's or not, I will always swim and bike as part of my running training from here on out.

Some of the other things Ive been able to accomplish along the way:
-Ive been able to swim a continuous mile in open water, twice now.
-In my last training bike ride of the season, I did 30 miles at an average speed over 20mph, again, all things being relative this is FLYING for me. I even spent about 6 or 7 miles riding at over 25mph with my awesome coach, Johnny, who is one of the fastest, most impressive athletes I know, which was a big training highlight for me. I almost hung with him until the end of the road, but he dropped me about a mile from the end, maybe next season!
-I did lose about another 10-12 pounds and really got a lot leaner.
-A 10k personal best of 52:20, around 8:24 per mile.
-Maybe most importantly, training for this tri has helped me find my inner athlete. To even type that almost seems ridiculous, there is nothing about a guy like me that says athlete. Well at least it didn't, but today, I really do feel like an athlete.

Now, all of that is great and I'm so lucky to have accomplished and improved those things. As great as they are, they absolutely pale in comparison to how lucky I feel to have met the people I have through my training group. It almost makes tears well up to think of my friends today and know that only 3 months ago, most of us were looking around having no idea what to do or who we were. I could write pages on every single one of them and how amazing they all are. When you find yourself over the age of 30 and single, the social landscape changes, and its rare to come into contact with a significant number of people that are near your age, single and share a common interest, and aren't necessarily doing this just to get a date. We have all grown so close, and I never would have made it to the start line without these people. I talk to them and think about them every single day, and like I tell them, they are seriously my second family. They aren't my "triathlon friends," they are my true friends that just happen to do triathlons with me.

In 24 hours Ill be dawning a wetsuit and wading out into Galveston bay about to start my swim. Ive never been this nervous, excited, focused, relaxed, crazy, scared and elated. I know tomorrow is the first of many amazing opportunities to push myself in this wonderful world of triathlon. I cant wait!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Its been a while

So much has happened in the last 3 months, I have a lot of catching up to do. I'm giving a talk tomorrow night in which a friend and I have been asked to come up with healthy living tips. I'm posting the 8 that I came up with. Its not a definitive list, but I think theres some good stuff here.

Top Eight Healthy Lifestyle Tips

1. Find a reason to fuel. For me just wanting to eat healthy and exercise wasn’t enough, I needed a reason to be healthy. Running became my reason, instead of just wanting to eat to lose weight or exercise to be healthy, I wanted to become a better runner. Find something that you are passionate about and make that your reason for eating and living the way you do.
2. Listen to your body. Just as its really easy to let yourself get a little soft and out of shape, its also really easy to go really hard and almost start to neglect it in the name of health. We start to see the scale move the way we want and we think, RUN MORE, EAT LESS, but that wont work. If your body tells you it needs food, feed it, if it needs rest, rest it. The hard part is learning to listen to that voice, but it can make all the difference.
3. Run/exercise early whenever possible. Some people love mornings some people don’t, I always found that when I started my day with a run or a workout, Im more likely to want to carry that through the rest of the day. Some people exercise and feel like “oh well I exercised, I can eat what I want,” I always felt like “I exercised, I don’t want to screw it up by eating bad.”
4. Don’t let the scale be your only measuring stick. If losing weight is your goal, don’t be fooled if the scale isn’t moving as fast as you want it to. Different fluctuations in fluids, fat and muscle are going to cause it to move differently throughout your days and weeks. Instead, stick to what you know, if you are moving your body and eating sensibly, you are making a positive impact on your body, the scale will just have to get on board 
5. Eat Consciously. I personally don’t believe that there is a regimented diet, the eat only this and none of this kind of diet that works. The problem I think most of us have is that we just eat whatever we think sounds good until we are full, and sometimes even over full. The best bet is to try and think about what youre eating and make the best possible choice you can. If you can get wheat instead of white, do it. Grilled instead of fried, get it, but there is no such thing as evil food, only evil attitudes towards it.
6. Don’t put yourself in situations where you cant help but fail. If you know that you are a junk food-aholic and that you are always starving after work, driving by McDonald’s on your way home is a sure fire recipe for disaster, unless you are prepared. Pack yourself healthy snacks, fruit, granola bars, 100 calorie packs of treats. Are these things as satisfying as a double cheeseburger, maybe not, but they will probably get you passed the McD’s and on your way home where you can be more in control of what you eat.
7. You don’t have to “fake” it. I have friends who go nuts when I tell them I eat ground turkey burgers, or veggie burgers, or tofu. “That’s not the real thing! Why do you want to eat FAKE burgers?” they say. Truth is I don’t, I like real burgers, but I also like turkey and tofu. Try new tastes, don’t think of it as settling, think of it as trying out something new. So much of living healthy is about mindset, and if you think you are denying yourself what you want, it’s a sure fire way to fail. Instead think of it as choosing something new over something you know makes you feel bad about yourself. Then you aren’t denying yourself anything, youre denying the food’s power over you.
8. Play. Sometimes the best way to be active and healthy is to play. Training for 5k’s or 10k’s or marathons or triathlons is great and can be extremely fun and rewarding, but sometimes just running around the park with your dog or kids or friends can do you more good than a tempo workout. Remember that the reason we are out here is because we want to ENJOY our lives, and sometimes that means leaving the watch at home, not following a training plan and just running, swimming, jumping, throwing, etc our way into a healthy lifestyle.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Im Not Quite Used To This

I'm very careful not to over-inflate what it is I do, or what it is Ive been able to accomplish with my running/fitness/weight loss. Ive lost over 110 pounds, Ive run a marathon, Ive completely changed my lifestyle. These are all really big deals, but I still consider myself something of a beginner in all of this. Most of that comes from the amount of time in which Ive accomplished these things and made these changes. I still haven't even been living this way for a year yet, although my one year "anniversary" is right around the corner. That combined with constantly taking on brand new challenges I think keeps me in a state of feeling like a beginner, and frank, I don't think that's a bad thing. I have started, however, to discover something that I didn't expect, and frankly, its pretty exciting. When training for a marathon, conservation is a key word. Start slow, save energy, make sure you have enough, don't push. Of course this is completely sound advice and strategy for someone like me who doesn't know what the heck it takes to finish a marathon. But now that Ive started this triathlon training, where yes, a certain amount of conservation is still the name of the game, its not the ONLY name of the game. Threes also the PUSH part of the game. This is a new part of the game for me, and I like it. Since Ive started this training, about six weeks ago, Ive been running so much faster than I have ever run in the past. I was always a solid 11:00-12:00 per mile, mid-back to back of the pack runner, and this served me very well in attempting to gain endurance and lasting strength for marathoning. I always looked at the fast people, the 8:00-9:00 milers as some sort of mythical creature, and those freakish 7:00 and lower milers, well, I still don't find those people to be human. Whats cool is that for the last couple of weeks Ive been able to run in that 9:00-9:30 minute per mile category. At first I thought it was just a "feeling good and I busted out a really fast 3 miles," event, but Ive now done 3 slightly longer runs, 5, 6 and 8 miles, all right around 9:10-9:20 pace. Ive even been able to hold this pace, and dare I say go even a little faster on some of my transition runs of 2-3 miles, directly after hopping off the bike after a ride or spin session. In fact this morning I ran an 8:37 mile after riding 20 miles in some really unpleasant weather, but that's what happens when you ride, converse and then run with a former semi professional triathlete, and I'm sure if I asked her, she was taking it easy :) So whats my point? My point is that I'm finding it so cool to be able to push my body and for it to respond. I think for all these months that Ive been marathon training, I was afraid to push too hard, and rightfully so, because of the threat of injury, or not being able to finish, because I was such a beginner. But now it looks like Ive actually built enough of a base that I'm able to put my body through some paces and see some results. If any of this sounds elementary, you've probably never been the fat guy who never thought you COULD do this kind of thing, much less would. I'm so excited to see what the rest of this training season has to offer. I'm right on track for the Olympic distance triathlon in April, and then its on to 70.3 and Ironman. Still find that hard to type sometimes, but its getting a little easier, and a whole lot more fun.

Friday, February 12, 2010

My New Challenge

Ive been meaning to write about this for the last couple of weeks, but just haven't had the chance. After finishing the Houston Marathon, I experienced what I hear lots of marathon runners experience, which is post marathon depression. I had been building to that day for over 8 months, and it was everything I had ever hoped it would be. It was the culmination of all of my hard work, fatigue, struggle, triumph, defeat and joy, all wrapped into one package. But then after a couple of days I felt so empty. I felt like I had nothing in the background to always think about like I had with the marathon. Luckily I had already decided what was going to take the marathon's place, triathlon.

I'm lucky in that after running the marathon, I had now been at least mildly experienced in all three areas of triathlon. I had been on a swim team when I was a teenager, I rode the MS150 just a couple years ago, and now I had run a marathon. I just had to stick all three together. I set my sights on the Lone Star Triathlon in April, but then the next decision, what distance to do. In triathlon there are basically 4 distances, Sprint, Olympic, 1/2 Iron Man and Iron Man. My first inclination was to start at the bottom with the sprint, and work my way up if I got into it. I planned to buy a book and set up a training plan since I felt I could have the self discipline to train on my own. I am sooooo glad I was wrong about that. I think I would have had the discipline, but the training Im getting now with my triathlon group is so many light years beyond what I could have gotten from a book, its hard to imagine doing it without them. Theres a dedicated triathlon store near me in town called Tri On The Run, and they have a group training program for the traithlon I was wanting to do. After talking with the coaches, they were pretty convinced that with my level of fitness, and more importantly my level of commitment and the time I had to devote to it, that I could actually go ahead and do the olympic distance. So the triathlon I will be doing is a 1500 yd swim (.9 miles)followed by a 25 mile bike followed by a 6.2 mile run.

So far the training is going fantastic. My swim stroke seems to still be lodged down in my muscle memory (how I dont know) and Im really enjoying cycling again, and of course, Im still madly in love with running. So I guess this blog wont just be a fat man running anymore, it will be a fat man swimming, biking and running!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

My First Marathon

I cant believe it, but yes, I'm a marathoner. No matter what happens from this point on, I'm Will, and I ran a marathon. For those who are curious, here's what my experience was like. Actually before I get into this, I want to mention that Ill be saying "we" a lot, and the we always refers to my amazing sister, Jill. She did everything with me, when I say everything, I mean everything. She trained, stressed, revelled, hurt and felt the rapture, all the way with me. Theres no way I could have done this without her.

We started the day at 4:00 am (well I did, although Jill still persists that she was up, she just happened to be on the couch, with her eyes closed and completely motionless despite my dog crawling all over her) so that breakfast had its time to settle, run its course etc. We planned to leave the house by 5:30 to give us time to really take in all that race day had to offer and be sure we weren't rushed. Its a good thing we did as both traffic and parking were a bit of a hassle. We jammed out to Dropkick Murphys, the same way we did when we ran one of our first 5k's together back in May. On the way downtown we passed a wreck that involved 3 cars, 2 of which were obviously marathon runners, the wreck wasnt bad, but bad enough that it was going to be a while before anyone went anywhere, and I have a feeling it cost those couple people their race. I know that most people would say "well at least they are alright," and of course thats true, but if they had trained for 8 months and got everything ready for that one day, only to end up on a highway shoulder with my car smashed up, I dont know how I would react.

The morning was quite chilly, in the low 40's, but luckily Jill brought along a spare pair of gloves that really saved me some discomfort. We got in line for the indoor port-a-potties (yeah, actually more disgusting than outdoor I think) and slowly started migrating towards the start.

We had planned to run a 5:00 marathon, which averages out to 11:27 per mile, and were looking for the 5:00 pace group. We found them easily once we got to our coralle, but lost them in the shuffle at the very start. Luckily there were people around us who were running out pace and I also recognized my friend Megan who I had run my longest training run with, and I knew we had a similar pace in mind. The start was as amazing as I had imagined it would be, there were people cheering and screaming and the start was signaled by a cannon. I must also add that I was more than a little pleased that the loudspeakers were playing "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden as we started the race, very cool!

The first leg of the Houston Marathon takes you over a hellish elevated roadway known as the Elysian Viaduct, which has always been the bane of my running existence during races, however yesterday, I barely noticed it. Running over the Elysian with 22,000 other people completely removed the perspective of it being steep and you really couldnt tell when you were on an incline or not as there were so many people, so with in a few minutes, we were a full mile in and one viaduct down. And this is where I almost quit and walked of the course.

Seriously, I almost never made it to mile 2. Anyone who has ever trained for a marathon knows that no one really ever makes it through unscathed. Pulled muscles, aching knees, feet, something. I had a few issues with a hamstring and then some fairly serious issues not too long ago with my left foot, however somehow I made it for 8 months with almost zero knee problems, and anyone who knows me knows my knees are horrible. It sounds like a 12 year old with a roll of bubble paper when I walk up stairs, and my knees have always just ached anyway. Since losing 100 pounds takes considerable pressure off of them, I guess they were strong enough to carry me through, until literally the week before the marathon. I did my last long run the Saturday before, a ten miler that for all intents and purposes, was just a formality. During this run I felt my knee kind of lock up and get painful, but I just figured it was taper type pain, and sort of carried on. Then I tried to do a little 3 miler on the next monday and at the end it hurt so bad I couldnt run another step. I was in freak out mode, but stopped all running and figured 5 or 6 days rest would cure whatever phantom, meaningless pain this was. Well for the first mile and a half I thought it had. Then just coming down the Elysian, I felt the same pain I felt the Monday before, stabbing, sharp pain that grew worse, literally with every step. I had told myself that this might happen, and that I would have to just gut it out, but at mile 1.5?!?!? I knew that there was no way I could go 25 more miles the way I was. Jill could tell that I was in serious pain and I think she was probably as scared as I was. The pain was so bad I could swear I as limping, although Jill and Megan both said that I didnt look any different. Jill asked me to rate the pain on a 1-10 scale and I told her it was an 8, although it really felt like a 28. She said we could walk, or do some run/walk, what did I want to do? It was for the next couple minutes that I hobbled along thinking, "Am I really not going to finish?" "Is this really how its going to end?" "Why is this happening?" "How do I tell Jill?" At this point she asked me again, "Where is it on a 1-10?" After thinking for a second, I realized the pain was know at an irritating, but much more manageable 4. So I said, give me a couple minutes, lets see what happened. At this point, I did what I had been doing for the entire week, I prayed, hard. I told God I would never make deals with him, because I dont believe in the, "God if you will let me do this Ill never do x, y or z again." Instead I asked, no, I begged God, "PLEASE let this pain go away and let me finish this marathon!" And thats what happened. Within the next 5 minutes I felt no pain at all, and I didnt feel any more pain in that knee until I woke up this morning, when EVERYTHING hurt. I dont know what the medical explanation is, or if there even is one, but I know that God was with me yesterday morning, just like he always is.

I recongnized my first friend/family member at about mile 5. My amazing friend and running partner, Anne, and her fiance Jeff were along Studemont cheering. I cant tell you how much of a boost seeing a familiar face gives you. Furthermore, Anne has been the most supportive, patient and motivational friend throughout this process. I had the privelage of running with Anne at her first half marathon in San Antonio at the end of 2009, and although she wasnt training for Houston, she kept me motivated, let me whine and moan about training and even through us a fantastic party after the marathon. There are so many people without whom I never would have made it anywhere close to the start line, much less the finish, and Anne is right at the top of that list. That would also not be the last Anne and Jeff sighting, they were our cheering ninjas, and just when we would least expect it, there would be Anne (even dancing at one point!) and Jeff. Jill and I were like, man, how are they doing it :)

Right after that we saw Theresa and her daughter Melissa and my friend Judy. They had made signs and were screaming their heads off for us. It almost brings me to tears, even now to think about how I have such awesome friends. Theresa and her husband David would later join us to celebrate, and she even supplied two of my favorite deserts in the world, brownies and her strawberry cupcakes! I even took two home to have for breakfast, but... alas, they didnt last until this morning :)

One of the first of several extremely touching moments was just after this when we heard people behind us telling us to move to the sides. As we turned around, a mom was pushing her son in a wheelchair on the course. As the descended a hill and started to climb back the other side, we actually saw other runners helping the mom get him up the hill. It was very touching, and Jill was especially touched. Jill is a cryer anyway, but adding motherhood to the mix meant that Jill really couldnt dry it up for almost a mile.

Around mile 9, the folks running the half marathon made a u-turn and headed back into downtown. This was a huge moment for Jill and I because we remembered so vividly that moment in November when we were the ones turning and watching the full marathoners continue on into oblivion. And it does feel that way a little. Until that point the street was packed with people. You were running literally with 2 to three people on all sides of you, and as soon as we passed the turn around, there seemed to only be a few here and there. Jill and I had a little bit of a "chills" moment from that, and continued on past Rice University and into Rice Village.

Our pace was great, in fact when we looked at our splits after the race, we ran exactly 11:32 for both our 10k and 1/2 marathon splits, which meant we were right on pace for 5 hours. We were having a blast, talking, noticing everything and just loving the experience. In Rice Village, just before the half marathon point, we saw our family that came out to see us. My mom, step-dad, brother-in-law and nephews were all on the side of the road screaming and waving signs. It was so fun to see them and we really got so much from it. I know this moment, seeing her kids was especially touching for Jill, who let me know this was true, with another dose of tears.

As we continued on through West U and turned towards the Galleria, I saw some friends from work, and Im sure the Anne and Jeff ninja team made several stops along the way. It was at about mile 15 in the Galleria, right about the point where you know the finish is right down the road if you could only turn right, but know, you turn left. This was about the point where I first thought, ok, this is tough, this is really going to take some work.

At about mile 18, you make what is ultimately your last big turn on the course, where you turn West onto Woodway and are more or less headed straight for the finish line. As I have told a couple people, its at this point that my mind first said, "ok will, weve run a long way, we about done yet?" I always get this little voice, but I generally dont like to hear it when there are still 8 long miles to go. Luckily about 5 minutes later I got a really unique surprise. We were running by a church on Woodway and we kept hearing people standing on the side saying something to us, we just couldnt ever make it out completely, we would here words like "hand" "bush" "president" "up" Then with about 5 seconds to spare I hear clearly, "President Bush is up there, be sure to shake his hand!" Sure enough, I look up and sitting in a chair on the side of the street with no fewer than 3 secret sevice guys was Pres. Bush (40) and I, in the middle of my first marathon, get to reach over and shake his hand and say, "Thanks for being here Pres." I really meant to say Mr. President, but after running almost 20 miles, he was lucky I didnt just drool and sweat on him. It was truly an unexpecte, awesome experience.

And then the real fun began. After crossing the 610 loop, I thought I would begin to feel better because I was back on familiar turf, Memorial Park. Its where the bulk of my running has been done, and its almost every Houston runner's home away from home. However when you get to mile 21, home aint so homie. It was at this point that both Jill and I werent really having anymore fun. We were still in complete awe of this event and what we were doing, but it was taking everthing we had to put one foot in front of the other. When you've run 22 mile, 4 miles might not sound like much, but I promise every mile gets progressively longer. 2 miles feels like 4, 4 miles feels like 8, and we are running on, well, I dont know what we were running on at that point. I do know we were tired. Allen Parkway sucks. There are 2 man made underpasses that are steep and treacherous, and yes, we walked up them, and believe me there is no shame in our game for that :) Theres really almost nothing to tell at this point because literally, ever ounce of energy I had was going to each step. There could have been topless dancers on the side of the road and I wouldnt have noticed...well...maybe I would have, but it would have taken something like that for me to notice.

Then we entered downtown. Let me be clear, it didnt get ANY easier at this point, but the euphoria present with 1.5 miles to go is indescribeable. I kept waiting after mile 20 to reach a point where I could reasonably say to myself, ok, youve done it, you KNOW you can make it to the finish from here. To be honest, I didnt get there until I could see the finish line, its THAT hard. You have to make one turn in downtown, and the last turn leaves you .7 mile from the finish line. There was still a good croud along Rusk as we neared the finish, but let me reiterate, even when we could see the finish line, it was so hard at this point that Jill and I could only occasionally muster a "Oh my gosh, we're going to do it." With about .25 mile to go, I think the pain went away some. When I saw the numbers on the clock, I knew I was going to finish, and I was about to be a marathoner. We crossed the finish line in 5:17:10. I could not be more proud of myself, and of my sister. I find even now its hard to write how I feel about it, because any words I write seem really futile in describing my emotions. I hugged my sister and said a prayer to God, thanking him, yes, for letting my knee hold up, but for so much more, for bringing me to that finish line, for bringing me out of the depression and the mire that my life was less than a year ago. Yes, I did the work, my two feet carried me, and for that I am imensly proud, but I would never dare have the arrogance to think that I did it all by myself. In "Spirit of the Marathon," Dick Beardsley says, "When you cross that finish line, no matter how fast, no matter how slow, it will change your life, forever." I dont think I could possibly put it any better, and even here, only 24 hours out from the marathon, I know that statement is completely true. No matter what comes in my life, Im Will, and Im a marathoner. I can do anything.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Oh boy...

Im not sure if I was encouraged or driven further into insanity to see how many things popped up when I entered "Im totally freaking out about running my first marathon" into google. Fact of the matter is, I am. I dont know how much of it is nervousness, how much of it is excitement and how much of it is soul wrenching terror. I believe that I have trained about as consistently, smartly and fully as I possibly could have, and I feel about as ready as my body can be, but its the unknown that has me doing backflips in my head. So, heres what Im thinking all day, every day, all at the same time, non stop:

-The weather. Looks like its not going to rain, will it be cool enough? Will there be clouds? Will it be too sunny?

-What should I wear? Do I bother with the arm sleves?

-What is this knee pain business? Ive trained for 7 months for this and my knee hasnt hurt once, now 6 days away it decides to start aching?

-Will my foot hold up? It hasnt hurt at all in 2 weeks, but I also havent run more than a 12 miler in two weeks.

-Will I be able to sleep? Usually next day excitement keeps me up more than a six pack of redbull with a nodoze chaser, I NEED SLEEP!

-What do I eat the night before? I know Im supposed to eat carbs this week, then eat light and normal on Saturday, but what? What if I get something that doesnt agree with me?

-Where should I start my pace? Do I just try and run all of my splits the same? Run slower at first, pick it up at the end?

-Have I done enough? Can I do it? Will I do it?

So yeah, my head wants to explode, then I stop, take a breathe, and remember some things that people have told me, and things that I KNOW are true:

-"Trust your training, Respect the distance. You'll be fine" Lisa

-"Stop freaking out, you just have to go out there and run." Dana. She said this to me this morning, and I have to admit, it was exactly what I needed to hear. She's right, I just have to go out and run, I do this every day. I have to respect the distance and know what Im getting into, but its running, I know I can do that.

-Ive prepared for this. There is so much that is unknown, but I have trained really hard, and really consistently, and I know that all of the variables that I can control, which are only a few, are under control.

-Ultimately I know this will be an unforgetable experience. Just like "Spirit of the Marathon" says, when I cross that finish line, no matter how fast, or how slow, no matter how good I feel, or how much pain Im in, it will change my life forever.